Elevate: A Fine Art Photography Exploration | March 2012

I think it's high time I get myself posting regularly on this blog again, what do you say?  Photography is healing for me, after all.  And so is writing.  Maybe this is part of what I've been missing lately? After what we've been through for the past six months, I feel like I need to celebrate this sweet little one a little more.  My darling Charlotte.  Perfectly happy 99.5% of the time, and the other .5% she only gently fusses to let us know she needs something (usually milk or a nap).  She could never know how much her birth has meant to me.  Even through my ppd, she has remained so happy and pleasant.  Charlotte has been our angel.  She has the sweetest smile each morning.  She pushes up on her hands and gives me a wrinkled-nose grin that melts my heart.  Each night when I nurse her to sleep, she quietly holds on to me and drifts off; content, peaceful, full.

In comparison to my other two children, Charlotte and I have a lot of catching up to do in the quantity-of-photographs department.  But hopefully this is a good start toward making up the difference...

Sweet girl.  You can't possibly know how much you're loved.  But I promise to try and show you, now and every day until forever.

I'm honored to be a part of Elevate: A Fine Art Exploration with some extremely talented photographers.  Each month, these women and I have vowed to push ourselves and simply shoot for us.  I've had to skip a couple of months recently, but this month, I am ever so grateful for this project and for the healing comfort it's given my heart.  I encourage you to follow our circle, read on and discover what beauty the extremely talented Renee Popat is sharing with the world today.  Thank you so much for being here.  I so appreciate you, friends.  xo

xo

Breaking the Silence

This week on The Creative Mama, my fellow bloggers and friends are sharing our stories of postpartum depression, some for the first time ever.  So many people have commented on my initial post here, and I've received countless emails from other moms who feel so similar.  As horrible as this feels to go through, it feels amazing to know that we're helping other mamas by sharing our experiences.  You aren't alone.  We encourage you to come by every day this week.  Say hi, and leave a few words of hope for our readers if you feel led. xoxo,

Stacey

This Beautiful Life

I can't begin to express to you how much your support on my "PPD coming out party" post have meant to me.  It's unbelievably encouraging to know I'm not alone, and now you know that you aren't either.  I've received an inbox full of personal emails as well, from women who wanted to share their experience, offer their advice, or just leave me a few especially kind words.  THANK YOU, truly, each and every one of you.  Your response has brought tears to my eyes, and hope to my heart. I found this quote on Pinterest a while back.  I wish I knew who the author was so I could credit him or her.  But I printed it up in Photoshop to display here at home.  I just like the reminder.  I wanted to share it here today, because I thought it might hit home with all of you who have emailed me recently and left comments on my post about ppd.  It's not meant to make you (or me) feel guilty for feeling the way we do!  It's just meant to sort of sum up where we are (or at least where I am right now).

And, well, this is pretty much where I am.  Not forever, mind you, but for now.  And that's okay.  Every tomorrow will be a little easier, right?

Also make sure you check out Emily's beautiful post on how hard it is to raise four kids.  I read it this morning, nodded my head in agreement with every word, and then wept again (a common occurrence these days).

My sister sent me this book a while back, and I'm enjoying reading through it a little bit at a time.  Some of you might find it helpful when the dog is howling and the baby is crying and the other two kids are fighting you just want to pull your hair out for whatever reason.  The great thing about it is that it's divided into very short chapters, because the author knew that we'd only have short bursts of time to read it anyway, before one of the kids floods the bathroom trying to "wash the floor".  (True story from my week.)

Care to share your favorite quotes that have helped you get through your most challenging times?  I'd sure love to read them, and someone else may, too!

My Confession. And Why I'm Running Away.

When was the last time you had a good, long cry in the shower?  Me, I had one this morning.  Sometimes it's just what we need, isn't it? You see, I have a confession to make.  (Deep breath here.)  I have struggled with debilitating postpartum-depression since Charlotte was born.  I've done my absolute best to keep it a secret from everyone (including clients, sigh), except a few close family members and a couple of friends, but that's proving to be more difficult than I thought.  I'm not one to make my blog a sob story and I don't want any "poor you"s.  I'm an optimist.  I don't like to push negativity out into the world.  I'm all for keeping it real, of course, but I still have to keep my negativity in check.  I want this to be a positive, inspiring place.  I know you don't care to read all my dirty laundry, but you must know that I have a basket of it here and there.

In any case, PPD is a very frustrating experience.  If you've never suffered from it, it can be very hard to understand from the outside.  And if I'm being honest, it's very hard to understand from the inside too.  It affects everything in your life.  Home.  Work.  Family.  Your self-esteem.  It's hormonal, emotional, psychological, and physical.  Post-partum depression makes you feel so ashamed of yourself for feeling the way you do.

Here's the thing.  I'm likely THE most grateful person you'd ever want to meet.  I've been blessed beyond measure.  My three kids are healthy, incredibly smart, strong and gorgeous (yes I said it, they are mine and I can brag if I want to).  Parker is so funny, and the brightest boy I've ever seen.  He makes us all so very proud.  Lila is the most thoughtful and helpful child ever.  I don't know how I'd make it through a day without her.  Charlotte is truly the sweetest baby ever born.  She smiles all the time and she is an absolute joy day in and day out.  I get to wake up every morning next to the man I love more than life itself, and whom I still think is pretty hot, even after almost 14 years together. We live in a cozy house in Florida and can visit the Gulf Beaches within 20 minutes, anytime we darn well please.  I am fortunate to be able to do what I love for a living, and to do it from home.  I am able to be with my kids more than most working moms I know.  I have a Savior who loves me and forgives me on days when I'm not as grateful as I should be.  I have a circle of sweet, caring friends, who would do anything to help me if I just told them what was happening.

Yep.  I have a rough life, don't I?

See, this is what makes it so frustrating.  And isolating.  And seemingly unfair.  I do love my life!  I just want to... run away from it, most days.  Does that make any sense at all?   Call me ungrateful, but I don't think I am.  Hormonal is more like it.

I'd been through PPD once before, after Parker was born.  But then after Lila, I was perfectly fine.  So I thought I'd be safe the third time around.

But I was so wrong.  Despite a beautiful natural birth experience with Charlotte, I struggled with managing three kids once I got home.  What is it about that third child?  I had it all planned out, all organized and ready.  But she was born two weeks early.  And nothing worked out the way I'd planned.  She was born on the first day of second grade for Parker.  And since we all were still at the birth center, he had to skip his first day.  My husband wasn't able to get off work that week because another employee was out on medical leave.  So the only day he was home with me was the very day Charlotte was born.  Just thirty-six hours after giving birth, I was loading our baby and our three-year-old into the SUV and driving to the bus stop to get Parker, myself.  Chris worked late three nights that week.  I developed mastitis.  Charlotte wouldn't latch on properly.  I missed Open House at Parker's school, and didn't even meet his teacher for at least two months.  I yelled at the kids more than I care to admit.  I cried constantly.  The house was a mess.  I couldn't find anything, and neither could the kids.  I all but disappeared from The Creative Mama (thank God for Bree).  All of our family lives out of state and I made it painfully clear that I wanted the first few weeks alone with "just us".  I desperately needed a break from the revolving door our house had been that entire year, but  in doing so, I shut out all offers for help.  I went back to work teaching workshops just six weeks after the baby was born, and that was entirely too early.  I never really got that "break" that maternity leave is supposed to provide.  But when you're self-employed, there is no short-term disability.  Maternity leave = no pay.  But since Charlotte arrived early, and I had worked up until the very last minute, I still had orders to place and prints to deliver during my entire maternity leave.  Bitterness and resentment set in, along with exhaustion and complete mommy-brain.  Even the max dose of Zoloft (which is, as I understand, the only type of antidepressant you can take while nursing a baby) wasn't quite enough.  I just shut down.  Some days I just want to sleep, eat, nurse my baby, and cry myself back to sleep.  Rinse.  Repeat.

I am likely the unhappiest, most grateful person alive.  Now how about that?  At least I finally get to say I live a "balanced" life, right?  (Sorry, that was a terrible joke.)

And then I read Tara's freeing post about feeling like she's just existing and not living.  I read Hayley's blissfully honest post revealing that she doesn't do it all (and that no one really does anyway).  Yesterday, I soaked up Alison's encouraging post about why she runs, and the good it does for her.  (I love to run too, and I miss it so much.)  So then I have another good cry in the shower.  Only this time, my husband walks in.  He's usually not home to see my crying episodes.  I know I look a mess.  Wrapped in a towel with mascara streaming down my face, my eyes red and swollen, and wet hair dripping onto the bathroom floor (well, what few strands that haven't fallen out since I gave birth to Charlotte).  He asks me to sit down and tell him what I'm feeling today.

And I do.  I just break down.  Tearfully, I tell him how much I just want to disappear and melt into the floor.  How I'd run away in a heartbeat if I knew that it wouldn't affect him and our kids.  And instead of hugging me, instead of telling me it's going to be okay... he tells me to get my rear end out the door.

"Well, then RUN.  Put on your shoes.  Just go run away for thirty minutes, or an hour.  Run your stress out.  Then come back."

Did I mention how much I love that man??

See, I'm crying again.  I told you PPD was frustrating.

But I will get through this.  Today, I really ran.  I tied up my Asics and put the pup on his leash, and we took off down the street.  I want to kiss my husband when he gets home and tell him how much "running away" actually made me feel so much better.  I didn't get the runner's high today (I'm still painfully out of shape), but I did breathe some fresh air and I am on my way to finding my center again.  Finally.  I have hope.  Just in time.

Tomorrow I will put on my running shoes again.  And I'll keep running away until I don't have to run away anymore.  I'll eventually run for the sheer love of it again.

Have you struggled with postpartum depression??  I know I'm not alone, and I plan to share more openly about this in the future, both here on my blog and over at The Creative Mama.  Please feel free to share your experience in the comments, or email me privately, if you are suffering silently like I am was, and want to get this off your chest.  And as Hayley and my midwife so eloquently put it, "give yourself some grace."  I'm learning to give myself a little bit too.  It's hard, but just like running, I guess we need to take one step at a time, right?

Sick Day

Who am I kidding... sick week!  Today is the first day that my girls have been back to daycare since last Tuesday.  We are all but covered up in laundry, dishes (especially medicine droppers) tissues, blankies and coloring books.  The girls and I have all three been to the doctor in a week's time, with one ailment or another (somehow the boys got lucky this time).  My desk is a mess (my worst pet peeve), my voicemail is filling up, and my email inbox is overflowing.  My patience couldn't be much lower.  And a full night's sleep?  Well, I have three kids now.  We all know that I haven't had that in ages, right?  ;)

I am asking for a teeny bit of grace today and tomorrow while I attempt to catch up.  If you've contacted me recently and feel you might as well have called your local Congressman, given the lack of response... please don't give up on me.  I'm coming.  I promise.

Chin up.  Vitamins down.  Sweet tea poured (twice).  Music blasted.  Head down.  GAME ON.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.  You're irreplaceable.  xoxo

Flynn Rider

Remember these shenanigans from a few Christmases past?  Apparently my nativity set is an endless source of fun and games for my son.  Now Kevin Flynn from Tron: Legacy is riding the wise mens' camel.  I'm pretty sure the light cycle is quite the fine upgrade from a camel, don't you agree?

There is no end to this crazy boy's imagination.  I wonder which figurine will end up in the Christmas decorations next?!

Precious To Me

No words today.  Just them.  xxoo

What Dress-Up Looks Like

If any of you follow me on Facebook, or if you read this post, you'll know that my three-year-old daughter is a huge fan of dressing up.  Not just on Halloween... but almost every day.  That girl can dirty some laundry, I tell ya.  She almost always dresses herself, and I let her.  I pick my battles, and this is not one I'm willing to fight.  Whether it's changing her regular clothing four times a day, or dressing up in her favorite costumes, I rarely see her in the same outfit for more than a couple of hours.  But seeing her develop her own funky sense of style and her own independence is totally worth all the laundry I have to wash. Recently Lila's most beloved dress is that of Disney's Rapunzel character.  She goes everywhere in that purple dress, despite the fact that it's been torn and mended three times.  She doesn't mind at all that it's tattered and unraveling.  She wears her boots with it, or sometimes flip-flops, and even sparkly pink sequined ballet slippers.  In her sweet lisp, she tells me that she wants to grow her hair "down to da grath (grass), like Rapunthel."  For now her waist-length hair is worn down, up, braided, pigtailed, or crowned with one of her several various tiaras.  She usually wears earrings, necklaces, layers and layers of beads, and often carries a tiny purse with pretend makeup and other preschooler "essentials" tucked inside.  And don't forget the shiny plastic cell phone!  You never know when the prince may call.

We frequently enter Publix or Target with Lila dressed in full princess attire.  We get winks and knowing smiles from all the other moms who've been in our shoes themselves, and she trots around just as proud as a peacock.

She runs around the house in some swimsuit or another, all year round.  And, usually, she wears three or four swimsuits in single day's time.  It's not uncommon for me to say, "We can't go inside, honey.  You're wearing a bathing suit and fairy wings."

She has been known to hit the playground in her tiara and her shiny red patent shoes.  And run just as hard as she would if she were wearing tennis shoes.

She wears clip-on sparkly earrings to the doctor's office.  Or anywhere else she wants, really.

And ya know something?  I love it.

Lila is such a girl's girl.  Sparkles and sequins, glitter and garb, dresses and plastic high heels.  She revels in it all.  We keep her dress-up treasures inside a vintage green Lady Baltimore suitcase that I picked up at a thrift store last year.  It's perfect.

I've had these photographs in my head forever, and I plan to continue with a little series of Lila in all her dress-up adventures in the coming weeks.  I have lots more images swimming around in my head that I want to realize.  So stay tuned.

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What DRESS-UP Looks Like...

I always ask my clients what they want to remember about their children, what they want to preserve.  I ask them how they want their children to feel when they look back at their family photos years from now.  And I want to remember this stage of Lila's life.  Her innocence, her free spirit and her feminine ways.  Her funky sense of style, her confidence, and her independence.  I want her to look back and appreciate all those times she wanted to express herself, and that I let her do it.  Times when Mama just shook her head, smiled, and said, "Alright, you can wear the Snow White dress to the store," and she happily chirped, "Yay!"  I want her to know how much we love her and cherish the little things that make her so unique, so sweet, and so fun.

I want her to remember her carefree days of dressing up.  Forever.

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Next, please visit my sweet friend Gina Oh | Arroyo Grande Photographer for her take on our "What ____ Looks Like" project this month.  I hope you continue to follow the circle until you come back around to me.  There are 11 other extremely talented women who have wonderful stories to share with you.  Enjoy the journey!

Elevate: A Fine Art Photography Exploration | October 2011

Anyone can shoot chaos.  

But the most perceptive photographers can make compelling pictures

out of uninteresting moments. - Alex Tehrani

I don't often get the chance to shoot just for me.  To release the ideas that I have bottled up, waiting for the right moment to play out and be realized.  But if we don't stretch creatively, then we will never grow.  To that end, I have joined another group of photographers for a second project that I'm proud to be involved in.  It's entitled, "{elevate} a fine art photography exploration".

Elevate is a blog project focused on exploring the fine art side of photography.  Each month, we will post a photo or series of images focused on art and photography.  There are no rules.  We simply post what comes from our heart and allow our inner artist a chance to explore and fly. Welcome to where my heart is.  I hope you'll be here again next month.

As it goes with my other blog project, there are several of us in the group.  We are supporting one another each and every month, and we'd like for you to take a little trip through our circle if you would.  You might discover a new favorite artist or a new way of seeing the world.  Would you continue our circle's journey, and visit my very talented friend Martha Schuster for her beautiful vision of fine art photographer this month.  She doesn't disappoint, I assure you.  Martha's work is perfectly captivating.  Enjoy...

Martha Schuster  |  i see the moon photography  |  Long Beach, CA

What Meeting Finn Looks Like

If you've been following along from last month, I've been asked to join eleven very talented women across the globe who have come together with a common goal: to capture our families in a real and beautiful way.  No posing.  No forced smiles.  Just come-as-you-are lifestyle photography (my favorite!).  I am honored to be a part of this group and look forward each month to seeing what they've posted and what beautiful snippets from their families' lives they've chosen to remember and share with us.  It's called "What ___ Looks Like", and each month we fill in the blank with a new subject or a different example of the same subject... our choice. This project has been both a challenge and a joy for me, as it forces me to grab my camera for reasons other than "work".  And thank goodness for that.  My kids certainly deserve it!

This month I'm sharing What Meeting Finn Looks Like.  (Edited to add two photos from my sister, below.  They really help tell the story of how meaningful this visit was to me.)

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Last summer my sister had a baby boy.  If you read this recent post about the newborn I'd never gotten to hold, then you'll know how excited I was to have my my beautiful sister Amy and my sweet nephew Finn come visit us from Kentucky after Charlotte was born!

This is what he looked like when I first met him in the NICU (I took this through the window)...

My sister took these photos from her side of the window... Parker, me and Lila.

And the smears of kisses and salty tears I left on that window, after we found out that I wasn't allowed to come into the NICU of that hospital to hold my nephew.  I nearly left my heart on that pane of glass.

This is the only way I've "seen" him since... again, through a "window"...

Huge thanks to my sweet Parker for snapping this at the airport for me... xo  (Yes, Charlotte is in there somewhere.)  :)

I finally got to hold him!!!   No more windows to separate us.  I. Love. This. Shot.  What's funnier (to me) than our babies' sweet fishy faces is that Amy and I both did this at the same time without us looking at the other one... a complete coincidence.  And we are mirroring the expressions ourselves.  We're crazy.  And very much alike, apparently!  But I think Parker has the knack for capturing the right moments, don't you??  A lifestyle photographer in training.

This was the first time we'd held each other's babies.  :)  We had a wonderful time together.  Here are a few snippets from our long (but much too short) weekend...

And of course, what is a trip to Florida without meeting the ocean for the first time?

Sweet boy.  I tried very hard to hold it together when we said goodbye at the airport.  I didn't cry in front of her, but when I got back in my car I couldn't keep in the tears any longer.  I thought I was safe since she had walked into the airport and would surely be busy with baggage and tickets and checking in, etc.  But she texted me a few minutes later saying she looked out the doors and saw me crying... and then she lost it too.  As Truvy says in Steel Magnolias, "I have a strict rule that nobody cries alone in my presence."  And that certainly applies to sisters.  Especially to sisters.

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I'd encourage you to follow this circle of women, right along with me... next up is a very talented artist named  Gina Oh |  Arroyo Grande, CA Photographer.  Last month Gina shared the beauty and laughter to be had in a simple bike ride, and I can't wait to see her sweet kids' faces again this month.  I hope you follow us.  Enjoy the journey, friends.

xo, Stacey